Good evening everyone! Now, before we begin, I'd like to remind Conner that this is a roast, not a tax audit - so don't start calculating my punch lines.

Today we celebrate Conner's graduation from UCF with a Bachelor of Science in Business Administration, and a major in Accounting. That's right - our Conner finally can now count from one to ten without using his fingers!

We always knew he had a head for numbers . . . and parking tickets. Yes, Conner collected enough illegal campus parking fines to personally fund UCF's new garage. I think he was single-handedly supporting the UCF Department of Transportation.

Dorm life? Oh, no - that didn't quite fit Conner's "style." He decided the dorm was too small for his big ideas (and his red, ear-splitting race car). So he moved to "The Quad," where apparently the rent came with a free tow truck visit every other week.

Now, about that car- you can hear Conner coming long before you see him. It's red, it's loud, and it has "lifts" so tall we could all just lie down and slide into it. Earplugs are not optional. In fact, the local airport called to thank him for their new runway noise standard.

And you know what? Conner is truly a chip off the old block. His dad, Michael, owned a whole fleet of vehicles when he was Conner's age - all of them capable of breaking the sound barrier! He had a special citation file just for speeding tickets . . . and probably a few others he never quite mentioned to anyone.

Michael took Conner to car races from the time he was little, and he was more than delighted to see that Conner inherited the same love of anything fast, shiny, and loud. I'm sure Conner would love to own what Michael is driving these days - it is, of course, a red, souped-up, fancy Mustang, the kind that looks like it could take off at Mach 7!

Michael now drives what we lovingly call his "Big Red Tractor" - hauling at least 80 tons, just a little slower. Tickets for truckers are a premium now, so maybe it's safer that way. And, for the record, Mimi only drives red cars too - so I guess it runs in the family!

From the boy who grew up a picky eater - who wouldn't touch anything that looked suspiciously healthy - he's now mastered chicken 55 ways, maybe more. I'm still waiting for "chicken flambé" to hit the menu, but let's not rush genius.

One of my favorite stories? The night he called his brother Tyler for emergency chicken-cooking advice before making dinner for his sweet, smart, beautiful girlfriend, Melanie. Now that's love- and a little fear of undercooked poultry. Melanie, we all adore you-thank you for bringing out Conner's warm, thoughtful, grown-up side.

And speaking of family - Conner's dad, our independent trucker - he's probably hauled enough miles to circle the planet twice, but still manages to keep Conner grounded (when Conner's not revving that red rocket). And Tyler - the Karaoke King - I'm still waiting for the duet between you two: maybe "Take It Easy" by The Eagles? (Though knowing you two, it might end up as "Should I Take It to the Limit?")

As for me - his Mimi, the retired CCRN - I've cared for a lot of hearts over the years, but none as precious as this young man's. Watching Conner grow up into the tall, kind, funny, quietly determined man he's become has been one of the greatest joys of my life.

So Conner, tonight, we laugh, we tease, and we celebrate. Because beneath the horsepower, the parking tickets, and the piles of chicken recipes - we see the same good-hearted, hard-working young man who's always made us proud.

Congratulations, sweetheart. May your future be as bright, blessed, and amazing as your smile - and may every number you count from now on be profits, not parking fines! We love you, and we're so proud of you, Conner.

Joyce's December 12 Facebook Post reflecting on Conner and his accomplishments


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